ALICE COOPER: "Zipper Catches Skin" (1982)

Why do you think they call it dope? Welcome to YOUR nightmare as alice catches skin??? You know, it's not always a bad thing to have an overly aggressive A&R person at your record label. Any sane reprensenative should/would have told Alice to flush this down the loo and don't return until you've managed to write some decent tunes. The Coop moved further and further away from his original idea and concept (probably due to his severe alchol addiction) and Thank God, the song "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask), theme song of the horror film "Friday The 13th, Part VI, finally brought him back to life and limelight. The "real" comeback had to wait until 1989 though and the classic album "Trash" (and, yes, you can leave this in the trash).

WHITE LION: "Big Game" (1989)

Big pile of you-know-what. They bounched right back to class with "Mane Attraction" though and the previous one (Pride - 1987) is a classic hardrock album if ever!!! It's merely a shame they released this in between just as they were about to take control of the entire hardrock scene and become the next supergroup. Let's face it, this album is sadly the harsh reality and difference between being "legends" and just another hairmetal band of the eighties. Mike Tramp could have been the next David Lee Roth and Vito Bratta certainly had all the chops of Eddie Van Halen. You bastards!!! Why did you have to release such a fiasco???!!! Sob... I need to play me some "Pride"... what a classic little album... wait... lonely nights... sob.

ROSE TATTOO: "Beats from A Single Drum" (1986)

Hairmetal??? Angry Andersson is a friggin' skinhead in the old tradition and style. Send 'em to the thunderdome and let Mad Max have a go at this poor, poor, release. So what if you're three feet tall and bald as an american eagle? That's no excuse for the ozzies to come up with "hairmetal" tunes such as these. Strangely enough, Angry did a fine solo-album in the very early nineties. Then again, all songs by Mike Slamer (City Boy, Streets, Steelheart Lane). Try any other Rose Tattoo album (they're hardly "classics" tho').

VAN HALEN: "Diver Down" (1982)

Geez, the two best tracks are covers and the rest are, more or less, fillers. Eddie is a superb guitarist, Dave, the perfect frontman (please keep in mind that I wrote "frontman" - and not vocalist), but merely the debut and '1984' are great, classic 'David Lee Roth' era albums in my books. What good is the best hardrock guitarist in the world if he can't come up with any decent material??? Seriously, if you remove the smashing guitarwork, you'll end up with a clown and awful material to match the bozos.

HURRICANE: "Slave To The Thrill" (1990)

Rock you like an Hurricane? Nope, it's more likely a fart in the wind really. Truly dodgy songmaterial. Originally formed in Los Angeles by Robert Sarzo and Tony Cavazo, the younger (and not quite as talanted?) brothers of Whitesnake's Rudi Sarzo and Quiet Riot's Carlos Cavazo. The core of Hurricane are doing much better nowadays though as Kelly Hansen is the voice of Foreigner and guitarist Doug Aldrich's one of two six-string benders at Whitesnake. Have a go at their 1988 debut album and leave this be.

RETURN: "To The Top" (1987)

Oh dear, Norwegian AOR at its worst. Juvenile lyrics, childish music, AOR 4 Kidz. Their 1992 release "V", turned out to a be a completely different story though. Return's one and only "classic" release in my opinion. Not quite sure how old they were at the time of this release? However, the songs are soo juvenile, darn right childish attempts at melodic hardrock and merely a couple of decent tunes among the turds. Then again, I'm sure we all wrote these kind of tunes at the age of twelve? Do yourself a favour and buy "V" and simply forgetabouthisone.

MASQUERADE: "Masquerade" (1992)

Bland and incrediable boring AOR/Melodic Hardrock from Sweden. The lead guitarist and main songwriter is nowadays an overrated and hyped songwriter for even worse acts at the yearly Eurovision Song Contest spectacle. You know what this sound like? Think any melodic hardrock band of the eighties and simply remove the fun-loving attitude and melodies.

JON BON JOVI: "Blaze Of Glory" (1990)

Yeah, cowboy, the titletrack is a nice enough tune. The rest? zzzzzzzzzz... and I do NOT find them to be too laidback or not enough rock. That's not my major concern regarding this platter. Nope, the songs are simply not good enough in my humble opinion. Who knew that Jon Bon Jovi could come up with such a big pile of shite after listening to all of their eighties material? Then again, Desmond Child helped out the band quite a lot and it's been pretty awful schtuff ever since.

ICON: "Right Between The Eyes" (1989)

Oh how the mighty have fallen on their a#¤"¤#. Their selftitled debut from the year of 1984 is a great WWIII inspired sleaze release and, 'Night Of The Crime' is nuthin' bout a masterpiece!!! This one features crap material (with the exception of all the songs from 'A More Perfect Union') and an even crappier vocalist since the old one became a born again christian (what a waste of such a great voice). They did a disasterous performance at the release party of the album (read: the singer did) and their record label decided to get rid of them a.s.a.p. Get the first two albums and simply forget about this one.

MR.BIG: "Mr.Big" (1989)

Yeah, yeah. G-R-E-A-T musicians... utter shite music. And the next one had "To Be With You"... my oh my. They sound like a watered down version of Van Halen vs. all those British blues hardrock acts of the early seventies (Free, Bad Company, etc). Much like Man City football a "dream-team" without a winning concept. Eric Martin in the role of Carlos Tevez, Paul Gilbert as David "Racer X" Silva, Billy Sheehan as "Bad" Kompany and Pat Torpey as Girlie Joe Hart. Originally formed in San Francisco, but later moving to Los Angeles, the band recorded their debut album with producer Kevin Elson. Now there's a strange choice considering they wanted to sound rough and "seventies". The bottomline, Eric Martin is a superb vocalist and the rest are all top notch musicians. It's merely a shame they're all below average songwriters on this platter.

DIO: "Lock Up The Wolves" (1990)

Those poor wolves, they've never been the same ever since Steve Bull decided to hang up his shoes. Lock up the singer as R.J. Dio pretty much lost it with this album. 'Holy Diver' is a pure metal CLASSIC, 'The Last In Line' - superb, 'Sacred Heart' - pretty darn decent, 'Dream Evil' -not too shabby, 'Lock Up The Wolves' - a complete and utter disaster. R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio - the best metal vocalist to ever walk this earth?